Crash

It is late. I can not sleep. I have many thoughts racing through my head.

My computer crashed last week and I just got it back tonight. Being without a computer for a week has proven frustrating and liberating at the same time. When the “crash” occurred I was told that this was very likely the end. Perhaps they would be able to recover my files but most likely not- they would likely “scrub” my poor computer which has so much stuff; important stuff! Some junk too but some stuff that would really be painful to loose, like partially written grants, budgets, and worse of all precious photos.

It’s not like I didn’t know this day was coming. I have been warned for about a year and half now. My computer is FULL. I have been slowly but steadily working to purge unnecessary files and move photos to an external hard drive. I do keep up with the photos but other than that well life gets busy and there are so many other things demanding my attention. My computer has been crashing frequently and it is soooo SLOW!

I am up late unable to sleep and started thinking about life. My life is exactly like my computer. I am overloaded. I am tired and so full of stuff to do that I am empty on resources to do them.

It’s not like I haven’t known this was coming. Everything in me for about 2 years has been crying for a break. I am this close to burn out. I have come close to crashing several times over the past couple of years. I allowed myself to get overloaded and in the process made some bad decisions that have impacted not only myself but others. I am so grateful that God in His unfailing love held on to me and even used me in spite of myself.

Recently I have been working to purge some unnecessary things from my life. It is a slow process. I do not want to crash. I do not want to be “scrubbed” - everything I value stripped from me because I was not a good steward with what God blessed me with. I do desire for my heart to be scrubbed clean so that I can have a tender heart to know and hear God’s voice and do HIS will not my will, not DHQ’s will but Gods will. Not that I am rebelling from the authority that God has placed above me but learning to have some boundaries.

I am actually going on vacation soon and it is all I can even think about. It is not a fancy vacation… as if we could afford that ;) But it is going to be great. I am going to be very purposeful in this vacation. I have 4 goals. 1. Renew my heart and spirit. 2. Avoid stress. 3. Enjoy my greatest blessing- my family. 4. Rest. I have 3 weeks to accomplish these 4 goals. Perhaps I should have taken a 4th week! I will actually be leaving town for my entire vacation which I have not done for 10 years!

Perhaps I will blog about my vacation plans soon. I really just needed to process through some of what I am thinking -writing is very therapeutic for me. I need to take the time to do it more often. Maybe the “new and improved” me, once I have purged the overloaded files from my life will do it more.

For now I am trying to avoid a total crash for 2 more weeks. I have so much to accomplish that just thinking of them sends me into overload and I shut down- seriously. I am not functioning like myself at all. I could write another long blog about all that I am supposed to accomplish in such a short time. Everything around me all the deadlines facing me are telling me this is a foolish time to take a vacation. But in my heart and soul I know that I actually need this. If I do not rest I will be of no use to anyone. However… thinking of all the things that must be done is seriously freaking me out. We are supposed to open an after school program at the beginning of September. I need to find staff…………………………ok this is not helping, stress is mounting. Maybe another day I will vent about that.

For now I do have to say it is refreshing to hear God’s voice calling me away. I have heard it for a long time now and I actually feel like I am finally being obedient to what he has been asking me for a very long time to do- come away, be refreshed. I know that He is in control- I just need to remind myself often.

I want to be a blogger; I really do. Life just gets going so fast days and then weeks go by with such a blur that stopping to record it seems…time consuming. With so much of my time consumed by stuff that either, my kids, my husband, my boss- or my bosses boss deem essential and urgent well I am so worn out I fall into bed each night and am too worn down to even relive my day. I have been especially enjoying my daily bible reading and prayer time though so at least there is that.

Life for me seems to run only at 2 speeds- fast and super-fast. Well I am afraid it is about to bump into another category altogether. Our Officers have been transferred to another Corps their last Sunday will be April 26th, our new officers will not arrive until July 6th! We will have the Metro Coordinators preaching on Sundays but all other responsibilities will have to be handled by myself and our secretary. I am seriously so overwhelmed just thinking about it that I try not to think about it at all. I have tried to work on a strategic plan with our officers to prepare but so far have had little success connecting with them on this!

In preparations for the next few months of total chaos I decided to take vacation this week and hang out with my kids. Maybe that will help them remember who I am in the coming months! So we are hanging out and cleaning up the house and yard this week. I also have to write 5 allocation proposals this week on vacation because they are due on Friday and nobody else is going to write them for me… and if I don’t I will not receive funding for this coming years programs! I had not planned on taking vacation this week but it is the boys spring break so figured it would be the best and only time till the end of summer. I am supposed to be working on the allocations now but needed a break!

The boys and I all got haircuts today. The boys were not very thrilled with the whole experience. Jeremiah was downright gloomy the entire time. Zachariah did ok. One of Tabitha’s friends is at beauty school so we decided to take advantage of cheap haircuts! You would think we were making the boys shave their heads or something. You can’t even tell Zachariah’s was cut it is still long but has less bulk to it. Jeremiah’s is shorter because he doesn’t like his curls so they cut them off! I got mine trimmed and a little more definition to the layers I have. I think next time I will leave the boys at home.

I joined a different gym and so far I really like it. It is way fancier than my old gym- which actually had no effect on my decision to switch. The only reason I switched was my old gym had hardly any classes and the few they had were at such awkward hours that I could never make it to them. I need classes, I do not push myself hard enough on my own. I have tried out 3 classes so far. Two are for sure keepers. I am going to try a few more and try to establish a weekly routine. I hadn’t been going for quite some time so I am so out of shape- it really is miserable getting back into the routine.

OK I have diverted enough time away. I have to get back to these allocations…. I am lacking motivation and creativity but I have put it off as long as I possibly can.

overload!

So I am now closer to 40 than I am to 30. Time certainly does fly! I had a great day- I worked all day but I love my job so that’s not such a bad thing. It was fun receiving birthday wishes from old and new friends! Facebook is a pretty nifty thing in my world-catching up with friends I have not seen in 18 years is pretty cool! Even getting to know some “acquaintances” a little better is fun.

I am still running on crazy trying to get all my work done. Ok though seriously I must have ADD and I wonder if I will ever complete this project. As a youth director distractions come and I must set aside my paper “work” to do my people “work”. However lately I have been looking for any I mean ANY distraction. I have to focus and get this done, I must.

It does not help that I am in meetings like 7 hours a day that have little or nothing to do with this project. Then the kids programs come in the evenings so not much progress. Oh yeah and I am a mom and wife- I try to fit that in J I think my boys might be trying to get a paycheck for all the time they are spending at the church! Tomorrow-same story 7-9:30am Chamber of commerce meeting, 10 I have to be in Portland for a meeting 12 I have lunch meeting with an advisory council member, 2:30-4:30 I have a community meeting and then…. At 6 all the young adults are coming over for dinner and games. Sometime in there I have to clean my house! We have not been home this week at all- this is gross but there are still dishes in the sink from Jeremiahs birthday dinner on Saturday! Sooooo…..I am a little overbooked. Most of the young adults know me and have seen my house messy so I am not too worried about it. I do need to at least get the dishes cleaned and the floors swept.

Good thing I love my life.

bD4k0u

I am trying to get back in to a routine with this thing. Today was overall a pretty good day. We had a Looooong week last week and the boys got to bed late every night including last night and Zachariah was up with a bad stomach ache throughout the night. So I kept them home from school today to regroup. Zachariah was still up as usual at 6:00 even though he had not slept hardly at all the night before. Jeremiah slept in till about 7:30 so that was good.

It was nice not having to rush this morning to get all of us out of the house in time. I just had to get me ready, that is a very nice start to a day! I had a meeting in downtown Portland and I really do not like going down there so I left much earlier than necessary and made it just in time after getting all turned around with all the one ways and finding parking! The meeting was quite informative and now I have no legitimate excuses to not pursue this grant I have been researching for awhile now! It is by far the most advanced project I have ever attempted and I am completely intimidated. The chances of us getting it are probably pretty slim but I am going for it anyways- with some help from friends..(Kim if you are reading this that is you!) That will pretty much be my life till March 2nd when it is due. If we get it, it will fund the entire program I have been working so long and hard to get going!

On my way back from that meeting I got a call and I have to be vague because it is not completely official but we were selected to receive a grant for 25,000 that I had applied for awhile back! That one was way easy- especially compared to the current proposal- of course the potential return on the investment of my time is far greater.

Anyways I am sure that is boring stuff to everyone else but to me it is GREAT News! On to other stuff… hmmm…. Well my high school youth group was really good tonight good group and a great energy tonight!

Wow am I seriously this boring. I am trying to think of one thing that would be interesting to someone other than me. Oh- (not particularly interesting) but man I struggle with those stupid capche things! I think I may need to click on the handicap thing because seriously it takes me at least 4 tries every single time. Maybe I am dyslectic?

Mission Impossible?

Have you ever been asked by God to do something outrageous? From time to time God asks me with this overwhelming stirring of compassion in my heart for unexpected people to do random things. It comes out of the blue and it is not really all that frequent- I mean there are the daily things that fall into my job title and meeting the needs of the youth and families God has blessed me with. But that is not what I am talking about. Sometimes I KNOW I am supposed to do something that is a bit too uncomfortable. Like pull over and ask someone if they are ok that is just walking down the road that kind of thing. Usually even though it is extremely awkward I am obedient. But not always. For some reason all day today my mind has been drifting back to a time recently that I was not obedient to that voice in my heart. Maybe because I am reading through Ezekiel and man; he did what God asked- no matter how crazy it seemed or… Perhaps because in Sunday School this morning I taught on being obedient to God’s voice. I spontaneously shared this story with my teens because I think it is important that kids get that I and other grown-ups are real-imperfect and that we struggle too.

So it all started on a train in DC. I was coming back from my first tourist day out on my own in the big city. The train stopped at the Pentagon and several military folks got on in all their gear. I have to admit whenever I see someone from the military especially in their desert camouflage I am overwhelmed with their commitment and sacrifice. So much so that I am nearly overcome with emotion every time.

This time was no different. I looked at each of them and said a quick prayer for each of them- silently between me and God as I glanced at them. As I glanced at the guy across from me and began to say a prayer our eyes locked for just a moment. All of a sudden, I saw him differently. He was still looking as normal as when he got on the train but now I saw in his heart. He was hurting and broken-though I am sure no one else noticed at all.

And God clearly said to me… tell him “I care”. That was it.

I had this conversation and then argument with God… That is all that came to my heart and I knew that is all I needed to say. But I continued to be conflicted. He is going to think I am crazy. He is going to think I am just a flirty girl- I guess I forgot to mention that he was about my age and is quite possibly the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life. He was the kind of attractive that could never be manufactured in Hollywood. You could see in his eyes that he had experienced the best and worst in life. He was the kind of man that you knew you should salute- not overbearing or proud but honest and faithful. He was in his pilot gear with lots of badges and stars on his jacket. His duffle bag had a special forces-yellow jackets patch. He was the epitome of my definition of a hero. So anyways…. He was hot.

My heart was broken for him and God just pressed heavier on my heart this mans grief. Our eyes kept connecting and I know, he knew I saw trough him to his broken heart. Still I was glued to my seat. God kept saying just tell him “I care”. So I bargained- God the train is so crowded- I don’t want to embarrass him- other military folks are all around and the train is so quiet- (it seemed everyone on the train had hushed in honor of these American heroes in our midst- although I am sure that is a daily routine at that stop.) So I said to God if you really want me to say something have him get off at my stop. My stop came- he got up. OH GOD! Seriously- you mean it. He was quicker than I- but he did slow and turn around and look right at me, if I would have just raised my voice a little and said wait up but my voice would not come. I half-heartedly tried to catch up but it was crowded and I had not got my ticket out to feed through the machine to get back- out- we do not have to do that on our trains. I even had one more chance as he stood in a short line to get on a connecting bus. But I didn’t. If only he were ugly, or even plain, I think I would have had the courage.

I look back and feel like I was given a test and failed. And I wonder. Why did God so desperately want me to tell that man he cared? To think that God cares that much about us that he pursues us through other people. I wonder if God asked someone else to communicate that to him- and if they were obedient. I wonder what this world would look like if we were more obedient to care for each other like God commands us to. His pursuing love is too much to fathom. I am praying that I will be more obedient to Gods voice in the future. It is easier for me to listen and love the especially needy, but those who seem to have it all together it is hard- I guess it comes down to pride. I want to have the kind of faith that will be a fool for Jesus. I mean looking back on it, it is pretty foolish that I did not care more of God’s opinion of me than some stranger-albeit attractive stranger that I would never see again in my life.

Thank God for Grace- I know I blew it- but I know God still loves me deeply. And it is not as if the entire kingdom is wrapped up on me- I know God can accomplish what he wants to in that mans life or any other -with or without me. But…. To pass up an opportunity to join forces with God on a mission to transform a life- well that is my loss. Life will certainly go on but I missed a special blessing.

February-week one.

So I have been a blogging loser lately! I pretty much have no life lately, but there were a couple of interesting things last week so I will review…
Monday- Had an all day advisory council meeting to develop our 5 year strategic plan for our capital campaign. I have to say it was ok- our AC is getting a bit more engaged which is good. I however was frustrated by our overall lack of preparedness- I could bore you with a lot of details of how several people dropped the ball in preparation for this important meeting but will spare you. After our council left we as a staff, local and DHQ sat around and discussed how it went. Everyone seemed to think it was WONDERFUL! I tried to keep quiet and stay polite but… someone asked me a direct question and… well I spoke the honest truth as tactfully- (at least at first) as I possibly could. There were several things our “team” should have been prepared with and to me it was embarrassing to not have answers to basic questions like how much money we have in the bank for the project! So I think I am on the naughty list at DHQ for the time being. I went home from that picked up the boys and I just could not shake my insanely irritated mood. Poor Tabitha had stopped buy and I just couldn’t even pretend to not be stressed out. I visited for a little bit- but was not very social, she had some homework so I sent myself to my room for a 30 minute time-out to pull myself together and move on! That mostly worked, I hung out for another 30 minutes with the kids and then headed to another meeting, from their to my Monday night high school youth group. Man that is a challenge sometimes to completely put yourself away and have fun with kids when you just do not feel like it. I did and I had fun so I am glad I had to go! I got home at 10:30 after a 7:00am start at work so I read a little in Ezekiel and then went to bed.

Tuesday
Another ALL DAY meeting! Bummer. – slightly less stressful than the day before though. Worked on some projects while the boys had music lessons at the church. Got home, had dinner. Read more in Ezekiel- that dude was committed- makes me feel like a total wimp whining about the little things God asks me to do. I mean seriously can you imagine God asking you to lay on your side for 430 days and only eat a piece of bread cooked over manure each day? I want that kind of commitment. (I don’t want that job though!) Story found in Ezekiel 4.

Wednesday
Well today was special indeed. Jeremiah turned 7. I cannot believe my baby is 7! He is such an amazing little guy and I thank God every day for him. His little personality is so sweet. He is such a people guy and it is fun to see how he just brightens up wherever he is. After youth programs we went out to his favorite restaurant- Road House Grill- where you can throw peanut shells on the ground! Had a nice dinner together, got home late and read and then went to bed.

Thursday
Went to lunch with my good friend Whitney. We went to the restaurant of one of our advisory council members and ran into a quite a few community folks it was a pretty much a whose who of our city. The mayor, police chief, city councilor, -none of which were there together and our corps officers and Judy the owner of the restaurant! Whitney shared with me how they hunt for wolves in Canada- now I am traumatized.
Picked up the boys and heard some talk on the radio of open auditions going on for an upcoming movie with Harrison Ford and Brendan Frasier being filmed in Portland. They were looking for 2 boys aged 7 and 9 and you could come down and have their photo taken and fill out a paper and maybe they would call you and walllaaa movie stars! The boys heard and quickly decided that they wanted to be movie stars because then they would have enough money to buy whatever ipod they wanted! So we headed down to “audition” – with about 1400 other boys! GOOD GRIEF! I am almost embarrassed to admit we stood in line outside in the cold for over 5 hours to have their picture taken! Zachariah wanted to quit about 2 hours in but Jeremiah was determined! So we stayed. They finally got their photo at 10pm! They were both cranky by then and lets just say I am pretty sure that was reflected in their photos. I am not really expecting a phone call. Oh well it was an experience. Met some other nice parents whose kids like mine really wanted a shot. And some psycho parents who really wanted for their kids- kids not so much.

Friday
Sore throat, exhausted. Skipped my 7am meeting that I have EVERY Friday! Took Donald to work because he had his eyes dilated. I worked from home researching grant info and developing the budget in required format. Picked up the boys, picked up Donald and we went pre-shopping for food for our church event Sunday. Priced a bunch of food. Headed out to a few more stores to get Jeremiah’s birthday gift- a new bike without training wheels! Found the perfect one. Came home- it was late. Chilled read and went to bed.

Saturday
Slept in a little… Thank you JESUS! Took care of a few errands… dry cleaners, shopping- Costco for event. We then went to a few animal shelters to check out the dogs. We are thinking about getting a second dog as ours gets lonely and is very social.
Tried going on a bike ride. I will just say Jeremiah may take a while to master 2 wheels. I think we were somewhat expecting him to just get on his bike and go like Zachariah- Not so much! Had a little family celebration for Jeremiah’s birthday with dinner of his choosing (breakfast feast) and then went downstairs for movie and popcorn. The boys had never seen “Back to the Future” so that was great!

Sunday
Well here we are. I left the house this morning at 8 and got home tonight at 9. It was a LONG but good day. I had our teen youth groups and bible bowl as always after church and then most of the teens stayed to help with childcare for a metro united meeting that we hosted. It all went well but most of our main volunteers for things like that were sick or out of town so we had very little help. It was pretty thrown together but I don’t think anyone but us noticed! It all came together quite nicely and no one was the wiser. Next time we definitely need to plan for more help! I am supposed to be doing some last minute cramming for a bidders meeting for the grant tomorrow. I guess I was looking for a diversion. But must get back to it. Goodnight- or to Ed good morning!

25 Things About Me... 11:33pm
Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)


This is the first time I have EVER done one of these survey things but since I have been tagged several times today AND I am looking for a diversion from this insane grant I am working on here goes...
1. I used to eat mud pies. I mean I actually ate them- not once but frequently. I knew where the least sandy dirt was that made for a smoother mud pie and I must have had an incredibly strong imagination because I could trick myself to believe they were lovely!
2. I had an appendix attack in 4th grade. I was up all night at the hospital and got home in the morning and then snuck on the school bus even though my mom told me I had to stay home.
3. I decided to stop drinking alcohol when I was 2 years old. Have been clean and sober since. However I continued mixing drinks at my grandma’s bar into my mid teen years when they sold the bar. - I was known as a pretty good bar-keep!
4. I have/had 5 brothers. 1 full, 3half and 1 adopted. I have/had 3 sisters 2 half and one step. So if you are counting that means there were 9 of us! -Now there are only 7.
5. I spent summers at my grandparents in the Trinity Mountains of northern California. It was very hot there and when we couldn’t talk an adult in to taking us to the swimming hole my friends and I would sneak down to the creek and go skinny dipping so we would not get caught with wet clothes! – hey Shanna remember that!
6. My friend and I devised a brilliant plan in 8th grade to stay the night at the vacant house behind my house. We had found the door unlocked a few days before while playing in the back yard and had kinda moved in. We thought we were so cool we had our own house it was sweeet. Somehow her mom found out and we were busted- thank goodness because it turns out there was a serial rapist hiding out there! That is the last time I remember being spanked and one of the only times I might add.
7. My childhood dog George was a one eyed 3 legged chocolate lab that had frequent violent strokes (or seizures). I am not really sure but my mom called them strokes.
8. I was not allowed to have bangs until I started middle school my first haircut- other than a trim was in 9th grade. Needless to say my hair was very long.
9. I am very afraid of bats. There are 8 experiences that have developed that fear.
10. I was forced to watch Poltergeist and that other movie where the girl is watching the fuzzy TV and says “There Heeeere.” When I was like 10 or 11 and I still have nightmares! I do not like horror movies.
11. When I was in 10th grade 26 people lived in my 3 bedroom 1 bath house.
12. My friend Shanna and I thought it would be cool to have polka dot hair so we hole punched our hair! It did not work but we kept trying- then we hid all the hair behind her dresser.
13. I used to love to jump off of high places and land in the water- like cliffs and bridges and large stumps on hills. It makes my heart race thinking about it now. Being a mom has changed my fear threshold.
14. I hate running. I love swimming, hiking, climbing, dancing most other forms of exercise but I hate running.
15. I am eating cottage cheese Triscuts and a banana for dinner at 10:45pm.
16. I am half Scottish and half Irish. My husband is Scottish he immigrated to the USA as a child.
17. I have probably really irritated my friend Mary with my grammar in this post. I missed learning basic punctuation skills in school. So now I do not- (I wanted to use don’t but was not sure if it was correct) know how to correctly use comma or a semi-colon or other such punctuations. I can usually figure it out for work documents or have someone help me. On personal writing it stymies me.
18. I love being outside. I have to go to the Coast or the Gorge at least once a month and just take in the beauty and grander of it all. In the spring and summer I usually spend a day a week hiking in the gorge.
19. I love traveling. I want to go so many places.
20. I love singing. I am not good at it but that does not stop me.
21. I love every part of my life. Family, friends, work it is all so great.
22. I did not know my name until I started kindergarten.
23. I still love playing hide and seek, sardines, kick the can, steal the bacon…. Pretty much any game! Bonus that I get to do that for my job!
24. My biggest fear in life is that I am somehow going to mess up my kids. Or that I will allow them to do something and they will die in an accident.
25. I am actually pretty shy. I do not initiate conversations or friendships outside of work. When it is part of my job I push past myself and just do it, but for some reason I cannot be brave enough to be outgoing outside of work.

Tree Down!

I know I have been a blog loser lately but life has been crazy. Here are some pictures of our tree that fell! We are feeling blessed. The tree fell in the only place it could without doing damage. Our next door neighbors were not as fortunate they had a GIANT (ours was only kinda big comparatively) tree crush their nice wrap around porch and their kitchen. We were all fortunate that no one was hurt. Zachariah had asked to play outside and I said yes and then changed my mind. He always plays right where that tree fell. It still makes my heart race to think about what would have happened had he been out there. The amazing thing is that I really almost let him go out just something in me made him stay in. I am pretty sure God spoke to my heart to make him stay in.

So we can say Thank you God! We are all well.

DC Trip

I finally figured out how to move my photos from my iphone to my computer so here are some pics from my trip.


Inauguration day preparations... This is right in front of the White House. This was for the president and the one below was the press box. They were directly across from each other.

The White House.

The Lincoln Memorial. Preparing for an inauguration concert. Notice the lighting scaffolding with the sniper tower on top! There was a tower on either side of the stage and they were hauling up bags of weapons while I watched and there were agents up in them watching the construction of the additional staging. It was pretty sweet to watch. Lots of special forces on duty here.

The presidential motorcade passed by. By the time I got my camera out of my bag it had pretty much passed but it was cool. I never realized how many vehicles were involved with the transporting of the president and they drive FAST!

The Capitol. This is where Obama gave his inauguration speech. Ok not right where I was standing- there is no zoom on the iphone so it is way up where the flags are on the capitol.

Me in front of the other side of the Capitol.

The Capitol

This was the real scene! Thousands of porta potties! Chain link fences and cement barriers!

Home again

Ok, Ok Ed I am back. It will likely be brief because I am exhausted.
That is not a promise though because….well I like to talk or write or blab on and on so here goes….

So I got to spend a week in the Washington DC area and it was great. It was an interesting adventure for me and I am pretty impressed with myself! I would like to post pictures and actually tried to while I was there but have not been able to master how to do it on the iphone and that’s where all my photos are living right now. I am working on it- or to be honest I am getting Donald to work on it now because I have given up.

So anyways it was pretty great. My flight over was fairly uneventful except that it was freakishly early in the morning and my connecting flight was way too close. I had to run through the airport and if my flight had not been delayed due to the pilot’s seat having some issue I would have missed my connection. So I flew in and Shirley –an Officer at National Headquarters picked me up. We headed straight for Mt. Vernon which is only about 15 minutes from the airport. The grounds and all of the tourist stuff were already closed but the restaurant was still open so we headed in for peanut cashew soup. I have learned that I am not a big fan of peanut soup. The first few bites were nice and then it was a chore to get through it. I felt bad because that’s why we went there and it is all we had to eat. So I did not want to make my host feel awkward so I gave it my best effort. However I could not finish my bowl- perhaps had I not just gotten off of a long flight and been feeling a little queasy I could have pressed on and finished.

The next morning we left her apartment at 6:30am and she dropped me off at the Metro station. This was quite intimidating as I have not done much public transportation. With help from a Metro worker- (which apparently is quite a miracle) I figured which train to get on, got my ticket and started on my big adventure. I got into the city by 7:15am. Not much going on in the way of tourist stuff at that time of day but I forged on and walked the National Mall. It was a bit nippy- 16 degrees and a slight wind so I walked a bit faster in an attempt to stay warmer. I mostly saw a TON of porta-potties. I mean seriously I never imagined there were so many in the whole country as that!

It was inspiring to see all the history and architecture. I spent quite a bit of time in the Capitol building as it was open and I had to strip off 5 layers of clothes and my boots just to get through security and thought I should make it worth my while. –No I was not strip searched I just had on that many outer layers to keep from freezing. Plus it was nice and warm in there oh and it was free.

The next day I did pretty much the same thing. I mostly walked around the city as it was such a hassle to shed all the layers to go through security at all the historic places. Spent a large chunk of my day at the war memorials, I was moved to tears at each of them and the thought of the sacrifices our veterans made to ensure our freedom. It was pretty overwhelming to me and I really felt compelled to just hang around each memorial and contemplate the men and women who went before. My Papa served in Korea so I spent an especially long time at that memorial. I really miss him and so wish I would have known how special he was and spent more time with him while he was still alive. One of the very few regrets I have in my life.

The next two days I was a part of a commission that was called together to strategize about how The Salvation Army can be more effective at winning children for Christ. I am still not sure how I got selected but hey I am glad I was. There were 12 of us representing the 6 territories. All were officers except me and another guy who was a DHQ employee. It was actually quite good it is not officially over as we have a series of homework assignments to complete before we submit our findings. It was refreshing to find that I was in a room of like minded people who are tired of the army creating more programs and agreed that we needed systemic change.

Directly after my last meeting I headed to the airport for the long flight home. Had a good opportunity to visit with our TYS as we waited for flights. So on my final connection I had a very interesting flight attendant that I am fairly certain was a shemale. Which is not all that unusual but she/he was very friendly with the man in front of me. I mean very friendly it was actually a bit disturbing. The lady next to me was hilarious she was a bit vocal- under her breath about the scene in front of us. Lets just say it was pretty clear that the passenger was not going home alone. So that was….. a new experience for me. I really tried to avert my eyes and for the most part did, but when it is right there no matter how hard you pretend it aint there you can’t really miss it.

Finally made it home it was amazing to see Donald and the boys. Pretty much went straight to bed as it was after midnight when I flew in and had somewhat adjusted to East Coast time which is 3 hours later. So I was exhausted.

So that is the trip. Condensed. I must go to bed now hope to catch up on the other interesting things that have happened since arriving home… like the windstorm that blew a huge tree down in our backyard and stripped a1/3 of our brand new roof off! But for now I am exhausted.

Goodbye!

Today was a busy day and I am tired. I am trying to get ready to leave for my trip at 5:00am soooo this is a weak entry. I am not sure I will be updating much while I am gone either. I am not bringing my laptop so I will write when I get back. I hope to post some sweet photos on facebook though.

ihappy!

Today was wonderful. Did a little cleaning this morning and then headed to the mall to return a shirt. Donald, the boys and I had a great lunch and then I bought an iphone! Well it did not happen that fast. We had to go to 5 different stores go home and think about it, go to another store, think some more. Then I bought an iphone! I feel like a kid at Christmas. I have wanted an ipod forever and just could not justify it with our finances. So after many years of waiting I decided to go big and get the iphone. It pays to not be sick! The Salvation Army just started giving a new benefit of cashing in unused sick days so I cashed them in and now I have an iphone!

I have a big day tomorrow and I want to play with my new toy so I am out.

Return of the TP wars?

January 9, 2009

So about this time last year I was the instigator of a feud between our family service people and myself. They really started it but it was my response that fueled this petty power struggle. It started innocently enough. Everyone had to share one small very run down bathroom that happened to have literally the only sink in our entire building- a little tiny bathroom sink. We were all working and worshipping out of an old not even good enough for a thrift store building and tensions at times ran high. One of the first things I did upon our arrival to that awful place was attack the bathroom which had also been used as the janitor closet and it was seriously disgusting. I am talking BAD. So I scrubbed bodily fluids of every form off of every surface in the room. Cleaned out all of the junk and had it painted. I was determined to improve it for our church people and I am not going to lie- for myself. So I worked and worked and made it better.

Pretty soon junk started making its way into this one little clean and uncluttered space. (Our family service folks are pack rats to the max). I am talking about weird stuff, an empty plastic 3 drawer cart with only two wheels. It was all scratched up and dirty. So I took it out and put it in the storage room outside the bathroom door. The next time I went in it was back. So I took it out. This carried on except now things were being put in the drawers and on the toilet top and on the tiniest little ledge of the sink. Things like multiple broken soap dispensers, aerosol air fresheners that were missing the knob that made them function, giant rolls of TP- that were filthy dirty and had mold on them. A myriad of cleaning chemicals began appearing which was not allowed as unsupervised children had to use that bathroom. So as things accumulated I got rid of them. This continued to escalate it had somehow turned into a power struggle. So finally one day it came to a head- someone from family services had posted a sign above the toilet that was very tacky and inappropriate and there were like 8 of those giant rolls of toilet paper that looked like they had been stepped on and had mildew around the edges. So I took the sign off the wall and grabbed a roll of the TP and confronted the family service director. It did not go well. Not like hair being ripped out or anything like that, but unkind words were shared and it took awhile to get over it.

So now we are having an even more serious power struggle over space which I will get into at another time. But for today my issue is with the care; or lack of it they have for the building. They are careless about the way things are treated and leave things very dirty. We do not have a janitor we have to keep things up on our own in a shared space. They are not doing there part at all- I stayed 2 hours late today to clean They keep creeping into areas that are used for program and tensions are once again running high. Can’t we all just get along?

I will not let this grow into a silly power struggle. I love the ministry of family services and what they do and quite honestly I really like the director and her volunteers. We need to come together to be effective and this all is symptoms of a much larger issue. I would like to officially say this is one of the many reasons I am very glad I have never been called to officership. It falls on them to resolve some of these issues and I am praying about my attitude and trying to focus on what is important and not the petty issues. The problem is those petty issues build and build and they become a monster problem.

I feel like I have just let out a big belch. You know the ones that build and build but just will not come out. Then it comes bursting out and you try to restrain it and cover it up. This past year has been pretty trying and I think it gave me gas that this blogging is breaking free. Two days in a row of blabbin about old stuff. The thing is no matter how hard I try to move ahead- no looking back it is all connected. The old issues are connected to the new issues.

So all in all today was ok, it was Friday so I got up extra early to head to the Chamber meeting which went fine. My day did end great, Donald the boys and I went out to dinner together and had a great time. We then came home and watched “The Rescuers” together and just enjoyed being together. My boys are getting so grown up and really developing their individual personality and interests and it is fun spending time with them.

No more TP wars. I will not fight that fight!

still more bitter than sweet

January 8, 2009
My feet hurt. I wore heels all day today and my feet are rebelling. I worked on some work stuff this morning and then this afternoon headed out to do some shopping for my trip. I was determined to get the largest carry on bag allowed by United airlines because…
1. I don’t want to pay the $15.00 check baggage fee
2. I fly out at 5:45 in the morning so I want to save time. I hate mornings.
3. I may have to carry my stuff around in the city.

Wow, I have not bought more than a duffle bag or backpack since I was in high school. Luggage is shockingly expensive. I started at an actual luggage store and quickly realized that was way out of my league. I did however use their expertise to educate myself on what I needed and headed to the bargain stores. It was still expensive! I ended up finding one that is not the biggest allowed but should be adequate and I got a great deal on it. It was on sale for 60% off and it was the last one left and there was about an inch gash in the front pocket that went all the way through so they gave me another 40% off. I know it is crazy to buy a brand new suitcase with a gash in it but with the way prices were going it was looking like I was going to end up at the thrift store to find a bag.
I actually did go to the thrift store later and checked out there luggage selection- I am even more pleased with my purchase. I went to the thrift store in search of a Hawaiian shirt. One of our advisory council members was retiring as the chief of police and we were asked to wear Hawaiian shirts to the party. Since I don’t have one and will likely never wear it again I headed to the thrift store to find the perfect one. I found one- not the perfect one- I seriously doubt that exists. I like them on men but they usually seem funny on women.
Carla’s party was a lot of fun. It was a bit odd though as it was at a brand new Ale House in town. It sits on the piece of property that used to be our church. So while there I kept thinking this area would have been the chapel, or this area would have been Marcia’s office.
We (The Salvation Army) have some not so pleasant history with the developers and owners of the restaurant so it was a little bittersweet. It is a long story but I do want to share the abridged version. We sold them our property with an agreement that we could lease back the buildings for $100 a month for two years. After the sale of the building they informed us that they would like us to move out right away and they would give us forty thousand dollars as a donation so that we would move. We thought about it but had to turn them down because we would have to rent another location and to get something that just met our basic needs we were looking at 6-10 thousand dollars a month rent. We knew we would need at least 18 months before our new building would be done. So if you do the math it is obvious that 40 thousand would not last long and we could not afford it. So we declined there offer. 2 weeks latter we received a legal summons that our building was being condemned and we had 30 days to vacate the building. Our leaders decided to not challenge the evictions and we proceeded to try to find somewhere to take us. Long story short we really got screwed. Fortunately the thrift store was relocating but not for a couple of weeks after we had to be out of our building and the Ale House owners would not extend our time. So we had to move all of our church belongings and family services food, freezers the whole shebang to several different storage locations for a couple of weeks. This began a long chain of problems the most significant being we had budgeted and only had money for $100 a month for rent and now had to pay $3000.00 a month. –Which was really a bargain but it was hard to feel excited about it. Wow I guess I am still pretty bitter about it need to get to bittersweet.
Enough said about that, I could go on, and on, and on but I am done. I got home late and spent a bit of time hanging out with the family and some friends. Tonight is our last night with Amanda she goes back to London in the morning. We are going to miss her greatly.

I have to leave the house at 6:30 tomorrow morning for a meeting so I am going to bed.

Pain and Misery

Our mornings are just not going well! This morning I woke up very early to crying/whining as Zachariah could not get off of his bed. He has two ingrown fingernails – his thumb and middle finger on his dominant right hand. Mind you his bad is over 5 feet off the ground and there is no ladder they have climbing wall rocks to get up and down. So I helped him down and checked out the fingers and they were very infected and irritated. So Donald who was on his way to work went to the store and got some hydrogen peroxide and came home and played field medic. He took a needle pulled back the skin and put peroxide on. I was amazed at how very grown Zachariah is becoming he just stood there like the brave little man he is. My amazement soon wore off however as Donald left he reverted back to the little boy that he is and had a bit of a melt down. I think the stress of it all gave him a stomach ache and I really do believe it hurt badly because he began bashing his head on the floor so that that pain in his head would help him forget about his throbbing fingers. I convinced him that was not the best strategy and we decided to lie down and have a rest for awhile.

When it was time to get up and get ready for school he just could not function. He couldn’t button his pants or get his shoes on, he kept bumping his hand and for whatever reason decided to come back to the strategy of hurting his head to make his hand feel less bad. He was very tired as we have had company for over a week now that has been staying up till 2 and 3am and Zachariah just told me today that he has not been sleeping until they have gone to bed. I thought he was just exaggerating but he began to tell me what had been going on like last night they made popcorn and did the dishes. I am like Zachariah and am a very light sleeper so I know that at 1:30am this morning they did make popcorn and at 2:15 they did the dishes. He also told me they had friends come to the door the night before which happened at 12:30. He wakes up by 6am regardless of when he goes to bed so he was very tired. He was determined to go to school so we got him dressed and ready which was not an easy task. The whole way to school he complained of a tummy ache and seeing multiple items like 9 fingers on one hand. So I took him back home and put him to bed. Tabitha and Tim were home so I left and went to work.

Zachariah is now awake and struggling it is nearly midnight so I am going to end for today.

Tabitha, Tim and their friends headed up to Seattle today to visit friends. So we were all trying to get showers and ready at the same time today. Sooo today did not go much better than yesterday getting the boys to school. A cold shower on a cold morning is never fun. So I started the day a bit cranky and never really shook it. Tabitha took the boys to school because I couldn’t find my coat which had my keys in the pocket. I found my coat and headed out the door. I needed gas so I stopped at the shell to fill up and once again got a Mt. Dew. Boo for me. I have to say I did not drink much of it but still I have zero will power right now.

I finally got to talk to the lady I am staying with in DC today. So that took away a bit of the worries I have. She seems quite pleasant and I am really looking forward to meeting her. She is going to pick me up at the airport and everything!

I was able to finish up a couple of important projects at the office today and then went out and cleaned the graffiti off of the electric box and picked up the trash around the youth center entrance. I started to clean the bathrooms and then whilst looking for toilet cleaner, I encountered the janitor closet which had somehow exploded with junk over the Christmas season. This is a very small closet how did we get 6 toilet plungers all but one of which looked they should have retired in the 80’s. 5 dust pans, 4 squeegees, and some brooms and a mop that were literally so worn they were useless. The water heater had rags and flammable cleaning products all over it. Sheesh, so the janitor closet got a good cleaning too. I will probably be hearing from whoever brought all that junk in because I threw all the excess away.

I stayed home after I got the boys today and did some work from home then I have just been absolutely lazy all night. Was going to go to the gym but somehow did not make it.

January 5th A rough start!

Back to school! It was not a good start. We have company staying at our house and we had all stayed up very late last night but they stayed up way later than I did. So they are sleeping on the couches upstairs and downstairs and I am trying to keep the boys quiet and get them ready for school in the dark. First Zachariah couldn’t find his beloved sweatshirt that he must wear everyday or the world will fall apart and he will have the most awful day of all time. I think it was under a body on a couch so he pressed on without his sweatshirt but with a very foul mood. Then it is time to go and we can not find a single pair of shoes for Jeremiah. We looked and looked in the dark finally had to turn on lights and wake people up, Zachariah who was already in foul mood was freaking out because he cant handle being late. We could find one each of a Velcro shoe a tie shoe and one snow boot. AAAAAHHHHH. I was going to make him wear the mismatch pair and just move on but they were both right foots! Finally we found his other snow boot and ran out the door. They ended up exactly on time which to Zachariah is late. Hopefully we will have a better go tomorrow. Jeremiah is not allowed to do anything after school until he finds all of his shoes!

I was tired and cranky on my way to work sooo I got a Mt. Dew. BAD, BAD, BAD me. I know I should be really disappointed with myself but not so much. I don’t know why I
cant get motivated to eat and drink right. That was my first cave in with the Mt. Dew which is my biggest weakness.

I had advisory council today. Attendance was average but I was somewhat encouraged by their desire to step it up. They are planning a day retreat and arranging for a professional facilitator to be there and help us move forward with a five year plan to accomplish our goals of finishing our capital campaign and building the rest of our building. They were all participating in conversation and willing to make significant time commitments to help us move forward. That was encouraging.

We have so much to be done. So many loose ends out there that need tied up. It is a bit overwhelming.

January 4th

It is the first Sunday of the New Year and I must admit it was a bit disappointing. Normally I pick up 15 kids on my route EVERY Sunday they are very consistent. Today no one on my route came to church! I struggle with punctuality and that happens to be one of the things I am really working on this year so I got up extra early to ensure I would be on time to Sunday school. I was on time but no one was there! The other van got to church 45 minutes late- because the other van driver didn’t show up- he always shows up. It just seemed like one of those days. Last Sunday there was hardly a seat available in the chapel and this Sunday there were plenty available! The youth were all a bit dis-engaged this week. It was like everyone was in a funk! One of my key leaders for bible bowl just didn’t show up and one of the others was an hour late! 4 of the teens came nearly an hour late too and none of them were alert and ready to learn. Oh and also since we do bible bowl and youth group directly after church someone different brings us lunch each week. I saw this person while I was teaching my Sunday School but they left during church before I had an opportunity to check in with them - I didn’t know if they had gone to get food for us or if they had just left. We waited and waited- they just left. I guess they forgot! We got Little Caesars. Another bad diet day.

We were also supposed to have Corps Council as it was the first Sunday of the month. But there were NO members there. It was only the officers and Marcia and so it would have essentially been a staff meeting. Mind you there were some valid excuses one the families were at the hospital as their grandchild was being born, one couple had an emergency at the apartments they manage, and some were out of town. It is still disappointing to not have even one member show up!

I think it was especially disappointing since this is the beginning of a whole new year. I really pray this is not an indicator of things to come. The worship was good as always, and the sermon was good. It wasn’t a total loss but it was not as usual. After I took everyone home I went back to the church and took advantage of the quiet to get some projects completed I was working and working and then looked up and it was snowing really hard. I gathered my things and headed out. A good inch had already come down and it was snowing hard!

I got home around 6:00 and Tabitha invited some of the young adults from church over for dinner and games. I really love our young people and genuinely enjoy hanging out with them and had a great time. We stayed up way too late visiting and now I am trying to unwind and get some rest. School resumes tomorrow and it is going to be a full day.

January 3rd

Saturday! Slept in again today! Totally on purpose blew off my class at the gym that I was determined to go to. I woke up on time but I just rolled over and said forget it I am tired and today is my last day forever to sleep in. I am a loser! In fact I am not doing well at all on my whole lose 10 pounds before my big trip goal so I can sit down in my uniform without busting the zipper. I have now transferred my efforts to finding someone with the next size up to let me borrow their uniform! I know I am a loser- I can’t get motivated. When I am motivated I do great. I forgot to confess that yesterday I got one of those super high calorie but equally delicious pretzels at the mall that have like no nutritional value at all. If only fat and sodium were on the food pyramid!

Tabitha is coming home today. Her friend Amanda is here from London and the eve before new years eve they decided –(with some prompting from me) to go to California for new years eve. So at 7pm we started talking about it and an hour later they were in the car on their way. They went to the Sacramento and stayed with the DYS that they worked at camp with this summer. They also visited San Francisco and met up with some other camp buddies two of which are following them home. I am looking forward to seeing them.

January 2nd

I got to sleep in a bit again today- that is a really special treat for me! Sleeping in used to mean 11:00 or even noon- way back in the day before adult responsibilities! Now sleeping till 8 or 9 is all I get- but it is wonderful.

I had to work today but it was a pretty casual day with not too much that “had” to be done that day. I finished preparing for my corps cadet class on Sunday and made a bunch of phone calls and sent some emails. I did a bit of work on a grant I am working on and towards the end of the day went to DHQ to turn in some paperwork.

DHQ happens to be right across from the mall sooo…. I had to go in. The boys were both needing some clothes. Since they wear uniforms for school we rarely buy them regular clothes. They were both down to just one pair of jeans that were getting very worn and small so I found some great deals on jeans for them – really nice ones for $7 bucks- cheaper than at the thrift store. I ended up buying way more than I had intended but spent less than I had planned to. I was actually pretty weary after hauling all my goods around the entire mall as I scoured for the greatest deals. I left exhausted but pleased with what I came home with.

I am home now- it is actually pretty late. The boys and I had dinner together, Donald is at worship team practice so I am just trying to relax for the evening.

January 1st

A new year begins today and I can’t help but reflect on the previous year. I stayed up way too late last night celebrating the end of a very long, hard year. I have been ready to say goodbye to 2008 for a long time. I have many dreams and prayers for 2009 but am trying to muster up some enthusiasm to proceed! 2008 has been one of the hardest years of my life. We built a new building for The Salvation Army and faced challenge after challenge. I am ready to forge on- no looking back… however many of our problems are still unresolved so much of the worries and stress of 2008 wrap themselves like a cloak around me clinging to me and weighing me down. How do I shed these layers? I am afraid it is going to require a lot more hard work. I know God is in this process and I have learned more in this past year than I could ever have imagined. God is refining and preparing.

Last night I went to my friend Korin’s for a New Years Eve party. It was fun we ate food and played games including the Wii. I always love having opportunities to hang out with the young adults. A few of us girls stayed up talking in the early morning hours about the future of The Salvation Army. I must admit some of our conversation was frustrating as we see the problems that seem insurmountable. We have common friends who have been treated poorly by some leadership recently and sometimes it gets to where you feel like everything is broken. Leadership seems to be lacking and the future of the Army seems uncertain. I myself have had many struggles with leadership decisions imposed upon our ministry in this past year and sometimes it doesn’t seem worth it to carry on. Then something will happen that just blesses me beyond measure. I see something happen or a part of something that reminds me of the true values and mission of The Salvation Army. God speaks right into my heart- “this is what its all about” and I carry on. I love the ministry of The Salvation Army. I love the ministry God allows me to be a part of. I am blessed. All of the struggles and trials are shaping me into who God desires me to be. I just hope I am coming closer to resembling Him because shaping is painful!

Today, the first day of this year has been absolutely lovely. I slept in, the snow was falling and we built a big fire, played some games together had an amazing dinner and never left the house! I don’t get very many days like this- probably didn’t even have one all of last year! I am looking forward to this New Year!

Blog beginings....

So I have been thinking of doing a blog for quite sometime and the New Year just seems like a good time to start. I don’t really know what I will write about but I do know that writing is therapeutic for me. I have kept a journal off and on for many years and I really do enjoy the process of writing my thoughts. If you know me at all you probably know that I am pretty transparent about my life, my struggles, my successes and pretty much every stupid detail of my life. Whether or not anyone is interested in reading this matters not what does matter is the process of sorting my thoughts and recording my journey.