Crash

It is late. I can not sleep. I have many thoughts racing through my head.

My computer crashed last week and I just got it back tonight. Being without a computer for a week has proven frustrating and liberating at the same time. When the “crash” occurred I was told that this was very likely the end. Perhaps they would be able to recover my files but most likely not- they would likely “scrub” my poor computer which has so much stuff; important stuff! Some junk too but some stuff that would really be painful to loose, like partially written grants, budgets, and worse of all precious photos.

It’s not like I didn’t know this day was coming. I have been warned for about a year and half now. My computer is FULL. I have been slowly but steadily working to purge unnecessary files and move photos to an external hard drive. I do keep up with the photos but other than that well life gets busy and there are so many other things demanding my attention. My computer has been crashing frequently and it is soooo SLOW!

I am up late unable to sleep and started thinking about life. My life is exactly like my computer. I am overloaded. I am tired and so full of stuff to do that I am empty on resources to do them.

It’s not like I haven’t known this was coming. Everything in me for about 2 years has been crying for a break. I am this close to burn out. I have come close to crashing several times over the past couple of years. I allowed myself to get overloaded and in the process made some bad decisions that have impacted not only myself but others. I am so grateful that God in His unfailing love held on to me and even used me in spite of myself.

Recently I have been working to purge some unnecessary things from my life. It is a slow process. I do not want to crash. I do not want to be “scrubbed” - everything I value stripped from me because I was not a good steward with what God blessed me with. I do desire for my heart to be scrubbed clean so that I can have a tender heart to know and hear God’s voice and do HIS will not my will, not DHQ’s will but Gods will. Not that I am rebelling from the authority that God has placed above me but learning to have some boundaries.

I am actually going on vacation soon and it is all I can even think about. It is not a fancy vacation… as if we could afford that ;) But it is going to be great. I am going to be very purposeful in this vacation. I have 4 goals. 1. Renew my heart and spirit. 2. Avoid stress. 3. Enjoy my greatest blessing- my family. 4. Rest. I have 3 weeks to accomplish these 4 goals. Perhaps I should have taken a 4th week! I will actually be leaving town for my entire vacation which I have not done for 10 years!

Perhaps I will blog about my vacation plans soon. I really just needed to process through some of what I am thinking -writing is very therapeutic for me. I need to take the time to do it more often. Maybe the “new and improved” me, once I have purged the overloaded files from my life will do it more.

For now I am trying to avoid a total crash for 2 more weeks. I have so much to accomplish that just thinking of them sends me into overload and I shut down- seriously. I am not functioning like myself at all. I could write another long blog about all that I am supposed to accomplish in such a short time. Everything around me all the deadlines facing me are telling me this is a foolish time to take a vacation. But in my heart and soul I know that I actually need this. If I do not rest I will be of no use to anyone. However… thinking of all the things that must be done is seriously freaking me out. We are supposed to open an after school program at the beginning of September. I need to find staff…………………………ok this is not helping, stress is mounting. Maybe another day I will vent about that.

For now I do have to say it is refreshing to hear God’s voice calling me away. I have heard it for a long time now and I actually feel like I am finally being obedient to what he has been asking me for a very long time to do- come away, be refreshed. I know that He is in control- I just need to remind myself often.