Life.! ...

Life seems to pass so quickly these days!

I have been realizing in an overwhelming kind of way how very blessed I am. I was looking through my old blogs from this time last year and realize, I was so very blessed then too, but I was so overwhelmed at the time that it was hard to recognize.

I had an entire Saturday off yesterday and it was lovely! I woke up a bit earlier than I would have liked but was glad to have a little more time to this day. Donald fixed my favorite breakfast and we enjoyed spending time catching up on life. After breakfast we just hung out for a little bit.

Donald took the dog for a walk, while Jeremiah and I worked on his bike riding skills. He has just had NO DESIRE to learn to ride his bike. He has not really been willing to try at all. I will admit, I became VERY frustrated ,we have been working on this for a very long time. I knew he could do it but he would not try. After running around after him for about 45 minutes and doing all the work, I got a bit cranky! He was whining and wanting to quit every 2 seconds. Now you should know that I could tell that if he would simply actually try, he could completely do it. Finally I said, I was done- then really mean mom in me popped out from no where and said.... "You are not playing on the computer, my iphone, or your DS or any other electronic device OR watching TV or movies until you can ride your bike!!!!! "

It was miraculous! He begged for one more chance hopped on his bike, wobbled just a little and off he went. Around, and around the cul-de-sac he went, his joy and enthusiasm growing with each lap. He was quite nearly squealing with delight. He then decided we should go on a family bike ride together! So after a quick trip to the store to replace Zachariah's inner-tube we were off on our first family bike trip!

I think of how the only thing limiting him from doing this a year ago was his own mind! He had all the skills, but none of the confidence and for some reason none of the desire. I did feel guilty forcing him, but he was so happy afterwards that I think I am ok with it now! I am like that sometimes, I don't try things because I do not have the confidence, I need to be a little more courageous in my life too!

After our bike ride we went to The Hood- our local cheap deal theater and watched Astro Boy. Not my favorite but it was pretty good. Then home again for a great dinner made with love from my amazing husband. I did some laundry throughout the evening and spent some time reading and catching up on FB.

I feel so blessed. I want to tell you all about how things are going at work, but it is coming up on the boys bedtime- I am only home 3 nights a week to tuck them in and say prayers. I try to really be on it and spend some nice time with them on the nights I am home! Maybe I will get back on after bedtime!

Life is good. To God be the glory!

I have been catching up on Blogs tonight and decided I should do a brief update for mine. It has been awhile and life has been so filled with life that I haven't taken time to update. My last several posts I was definitely tired and struggling.

Let me start by saying... life is good. I feel so overwhelmingly blessed it is unreal. It is already after midnight so I must be brief. I did take that vacation and it was fabulous! Everything is really working out in family and ministry. I have so much to share but it is late and I think my typing is keeping Donald awake... he is too sweet to say anything but... I am going to go and post again soon. Just know that life is good in my little corner of the world.

To God be all the glory!

Crash

It is late. I can not sleep. I have many thoughts racing through my head.

My computer crashed last week and I just got it back tonight. Being without a computer for a week has proven frustrating and liberating at the same time. When the “crash” occurred I was told that this was very likely the end. Perhaps they would be able to recover my files but most likely not- they would likely “scrub” my poor computer which has so much stuff; important stuff! Some junk too but some stuff that would really be painful to loose, like partially written grants, budgets, and worse of all precious photos.

It’s not like I didn’t know this day was coming. I have been warned for about a year and half now. My computer is FULL. I have been slowly but steadily working to purge unnecessary files and move photos to an external hard drive. I do keep up with the photos but other than that well life gets busy and there are so many other things demanding my attention. My computer has been crashing frequently and it is soooo SLOW!

I am up late unable to sleep and started thinking about life. My life is exactly like my computer. I am overloaded. I am tired and so full of stuff to do that I am empty on resources to do them.

It’s not like I haven’t known this was coming. Everything in me for about 2 years has been crying for a break. I am this close to burn out. I have come close to crashing several times over the past couple of years. I allowed myself to get overloaded and in the process made some bad decisions that have impacted not only myself but others. I am so grateful that God in His unfailing love held on to me and even used me in spite of myself.

Recently I have been working to purge some unnecessary things from my life. It is a slow process. I do not want to crash. I do not want to be “scrubbed” - everything I value stripped from me because I was not a good steward with what God blessed me with. I do desire for my heart to be scrubbed clean so that I can have a tender heart to know and hear God’s voice and do HIS will not my will, not DHQ’s will but Gods will. Not that I am rebelling from the authority that God has placed above me but learning to have some boundaries.

I am actually going on vacation soon and it is all I can even think about. It is not a fancy vacation… as if we could afford that ;) But it is going to be great. I am going to be very purposeful in this vacation. I have 4 goals. 1. Renew my heart and spirit. 2. Avoid stress. 3. Enjoy my greatest blessing- my family. 4. Rest. I have 3 weeks to accomplish these 4 goals. Perhaps I should have taken a 4th week! I will actually be leaving town for my entire vacation which I have not done for 10 years!

Perhaps I will blog about my vacation plans soon. I really just needed to process through some of what I am thinking -writing is very therapeutic for me. I need to take the time to do it more often. Maybe the “new and improved” me, once I have purged the overloaded files from my life will do it more.

For now I am trying to avoid a total crash for 2 more weeks. I have so much to accomplish that just thinking of them sends me into overload and I shut down- seriously. I am not functioning like myself at all. I could write another long blog about all that I am supposed to accomplish in such a short time. Everything around me all the deadlines facing me are telling me this is a foolish time to take a vacation. But in my heart and soul I know that I actually need this. If I do not rest I will be of no use to anyone. However… thinking of all the things that must be done is seriously freaking me out. We are supposed to open an after school program at the beginning of September. I need to find staff…………………………ok this is not helping, stress is mounting. Maybe another day I will vent about that.

For now I do have to say it is refreshing to hear God’s voice calling me away. I have heard it for a long time now and I actually feel like I am finally being obedient to what he has been asking me for a very long time to do- come away, be refreshed. I know that He is in control- I just need to remind myself often.

I want to be a blogger; I really do. Life just gets going so fast days and then weeks go by with such a blur that stopping to record it seems…time consuming. With so much of my time consumed by stuff that either, my kids, my husband, my boss- or my bosses boss deem essential and urgent well I am so worn out I fall into bed each night and am too worn down to even relive my day. I have been especially enjoying my daily bible reading and prayer time though so at least there is that.

Life for me seems to run only at 2 speeds- fast and super-fast. Well I am afraid it is about to bump into another category altogether. Our Officers have been transferred to another Corps their last Sunday will be April 26th, our new officers will not arrive until July 6th! We will have the Metro Coordinators preaching on Sundays but all other responsibilities will have to be handled by myself and our secretary. I am seriously so overwhelmed just thinking about it that I try not to think about it at all. I have tried to work on a strategic plan with our officers to prepare but so far have had little success connecting with them on this!

In preparations for the next few months of total chaos I decided to take vacation this week and hang out with my kids. Maybe that will help them remember who I am in the coming months! So we are hanging out and cleaning up the house and yard this week. I also have to write 5 allocation proposals this week on vacation because they are due on Friday and nobody else is going to write them for me… and if I don’t I will not receive funding for this coming years programs! I had not planned on taking vacation this week but it is the boys spring break so figured it would be the best and only time till the end of summer. I am supposed to be working on the allocations now but needed a break!

The boys and I all got haircuts today. The boys were not very thrilled with the whole experience. Jeremiah was downright gloomy the entire time. Zachariah did ok. One of Tabitha’s friends is at beauty school so we decided to take advantage of cheap haircuts! You would think we were making the boys shave their heads or something. You can’t even tell Zachariah’s was cut it is still long but has less bulk to it. Jeremiah’s is shorter because he doesn’t like his curls so they cut them off! I got mine trimmed and a little more definition to the layers I have. I think next time I will leave the boys at home.

I joined a different gym and so far I really like it. It is way fancier than my old gym- which actually had no effect on my decision to switch. The only reason I switched was my old gym had hardly any classes and the few they had were at such awkward hours that I could never make it to them. I need classes, I do not push myself hard enough on my own. I have tried out 3 classes so far. Two are for sure keepers. I am going to try a few more and try to establish a weekly routine. I hadn’t been going for quite some time so I am so out of shape- it really is miserable getting back into the routine.

OK I have diverted enough time away. I have to get back to these allocations…. I am lacking motivation and creativity but I have put it off as long as I possibly can.

overload!

So I am now closer to 40 than I am to 30. Time certainly does fly! I had a great day- I worked all day but I love my job so that’s not such a bad thing. It was fun receiving birthday wishes from old and new friends! Facebook is a pretty nifty thing in my world-catching up with friends I have not seen in 18 years is pretty cool! Even getting to know some “acquaintances” a little better is fun.

I am still running on crazy trying to get all my work done. Ok though seriously I must have ADD and I wonder if I will ever complete this project. As a youth director distractions come and I must set aside my paper “work” to do my people “work”. However lately I have been looking for any I mean ANY distraction. I have to focus and get this done, I must.

It does not help that I am in meetings like 7 hours a day that have little or nothing to do with this project. Then the kids programs come in the evenings so not much progress. Oh yeah and I am a mom and wife- I try to fit that in J I think my boys might be trying to get a paycheck for all the time they are spending at the church! Tomorrow-same story 7-9:30am Chamber of commerce meeting, 10 I have to be in Portland for a meeting 12 I have lunch meeting with an advisory council member, 2:30-4:30 I have a community meeting and then…. At 6 all the young adults are coming over for dinner and games. Sometime in there I have to clean my house! We have not been home this week at all- this is gross but there are still dishes in the sink from Jeremiahs birthday dinner on Saturday! Sooooo…..I am a little overbooked. Most of the young adults know me and have seen my house messy so I am not too worried about it. I do need to at least get the dishes cleaned and the floors swept.

Good thing I love my life.

bD4k0u

I am trying to get back in to a routine with this thing. Today was overall a pretty good day. We had a Looooong week last week and the boys got to bed late every night including last night and Zachariah was up with a bad stomach ache throughout the night. So I kept them home from school today to regroup. Zachariah was still up as usual at 6:00 even though he had not slept hardly at all the night before. Jeremiah slept in till about 7:30 so that was good.

It was nice not having to rush this morning to get all of us out of the house in time. I just had to get me ready, that is a very nice start to a day! I had a meeting in downtown Portland and I really do not like going down there so I left much earlier than necessary and made it just in time after getting all turned around with all the one ways and finding parking! The meeting was quite informative and now I have no legitimate excuses to not pursue this grant I have been researching for awhile now! It is by far the most advanced project I have ever attempted and I am completely intimidated. The chances of us getting it are probably pretty slim but I am going for it anyways- with some help from friends..(Kim if you are reading this that is you!) That will pretty much be my life till March 2nd when it is due. If we get it, it will fund the entire program I have been working so long and hard to get going!

On my way back from that meeting I got a call and I have to be vague because it is not completely official but we were selected to receive a grant for 25,000 that I had applied for awhile back! That one was way easy- especially compared to the current proposal- of course the potential return on the investment of my time is far greater.

Anyways I am sure that is boring stuff to everyone else but to me it is GREAT News! On to other stuff… hmmm…. Well my high school youth group was really good tonight good group and a great energy tonight!

Wow am I seriously this boring. I am trying to think of one thing that would be interesting to someone other than me. Oh- (not particularly interesting) but man I struggle with those stupid capche things! I think I may need to click on the handicap thing because seriously it takes me at least 4 tries every single time. Maybe I am dyslectic?

Mission Impossible?

Have you ever been asked by God to do something outrageous? From time to time God asks me with this overwhelming stirring of compassion in my heart for unexpected people to do random things. It comes out of the blue and it is not really all that frequent- I mean there are the daily things that fall into my job title and meeting the needs of the youth and families God has blessed me with. But that is not what I am talking about. Sometimes I KNOW I am supposed to do something that is a bit too uncomfortable. Like pull over and ask someone if they are ok that is just walking down the road that kind of thing. Usually even though it is extremely awkward I am obedient. But not always. For some reason all day today my mind has been drifting back to a time recently that I was not obedient to that voice in my heart. Maybe because I am reading through Ezekiel and man; he did what God asked- no matter how crazy it seemed or… Perhaps because in Sunday School this morning I taught on being obedient to God’s voice. I spontaneously shared this story with my teens because I think it is important that kids get that I and other grown-ups are real-imperfect and that we struggle too.

So it all started on a train in DC. I was coming back from my first tourist day out on my own in the big city. The train stopped at the Pentagon and several military folks got on in all their gear. I have to admit whenever I see someone from the military especially in their desert camouflage I am overwhelmed with their commitment and sacrifice. So much so that I am nearly overcome with emotion every time.

This time was no different. I looked at each of them and said a quick prayer for each of them- silently between me and God as I glanced at them. As I glanced at the guy across from me and began to say a prayer our eyes locked for just a moment. All of a sudden, I saw him differently. He was still looking as normal as when he got on the train but now I saw in his heart. He was hurting and broken-though I am sure no one else noticed at all.

And God clearly said to me… tell him “I care”. That was it.

I had this conversation and then argument with God… That is all that came to my heart and I knew that is all I needed to say. But I continued to be conflicted. He is going to think I am crazy. He is going to think I am just a flirty girl- I guess I forgot to mention that he was about my age and is quite possibly the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life. He was the kind of attractive that could never be manufactured in Hollywood. You could see in his eyes that he had experienced the best and worst in life. He was the kind of man that you knew you should salute- not overbearing or proud but honest and faithful. He was in his pilot gear with lots of badges and stars on his jacket. His duffle bag had a special forces-yellow jackets patch. He was the epitome of my definition of a hero. So anyways…. He was hot.

My heart was broken for him and God just pressed heavier on my heart this mans grief. Our eyes kept connecting and I know, he knew I saw trough him to his broken heart. Still I was glued to my seat. God kept saying just tell him “I care”. So I bargained- God the train is so crowded- I don’t want to embarrass him- other military folks are all around and the train is so quiet- (it seemed everyone on the train had hushed in honor of these American heroes in our midst- although I am sure that is a daily routine at that stop.) So I said to God if you really want me to say something have him get off at my stop. My stop came- he got up. OH GOD! Seriously- you mean it. He was quicker than I- but he did slow and turn around and look right at me, if I would have just raised my voice a little and said wait up but my voice would not come. I half-heartedly tried to catch up but it was crowded and I had not got my ticket out to feed through the machine to get back- out- we do not have to do that on our trains. I even had one more chance as he stood in a short line to get on a connecting bus. But I didn’t. If only he were ugly, or even plain, I think I would have had the courage.

I look back and feel like I was given a test and failed. And I wonder. Why did God so desperately want me to tell that man he cared? To think that God cares that much about us that he pursues us through other people. I wonder if God asked someone else to communicate that to him- and if they were obedient. I wonder what this world would look like if we were more obedient to care for each other like God commands us to. His pursuing love is too much to fathom. I am praying that I will be more obedient to Gods voice in the future. It is easier for me to listen and love the especially needy, but those who seem to have it all together it is hard- I guess it comes down to pride. I want to have the kind of faith that will be a fool for Jesus. I mean looking back on it, it is pretty foolish that I did not care more of God’s opinion of me than some stranger-albeit attractive stranger that I would never see again in my life.

Thank God for Grace- I know I blew it- but I know God still loves me deeply. And it is not as if the entire kingdom is wrapped up on me- I know God can accomplish what he wants to in that mans life or any other -with or without me. But…. To pass up an opportunity to join forces with God on a mission to transform a life- well that is my loss. Life will certainly go on but I missed a special blessing.